Presenting The Hades Show with Athena and Arachne
by GillyRose
Summary: Episode two of the Hades talkshow sees some trouble at the production offices but they do manage to run a tape starring Athena, the Goddess of War VS Arachne, the boastful spider maiden.


**_Episode Two of that exciting new Hadean talk show...but all is not well in the production offices_**

**_Back Stage at the Hades Show..._**

**____****{Pain and Panic tremulously approach their Master at his desk****____****}**

Pain...Sir?...uh...Boss?... we're having a little ...uh...difficulty...

Hades_{ignores Pain 'cause he's on the phone}_...OY!...ya know...the Damned are _such _whiners! You'd think they'd get the whole point of _being _here by now...

Panic... If... we could just have a moment of your ...time...?

Hades_{shrugging him off}_... Can it wait? I'm on the horn with the suppliers..._.{into the phone}This Morning,_ I said! "Right **_Now,_** I said!...I need it **_Today!"_**

Pain ...P_**lease**_ Sir, this is _really_ important!...

Hades_{turning to to Pain for a moment}_ Did you remember to put the mercury in the lobster salad!

Pain...Yes we _did_, Hades, but that's not the problem, we **_really _**gotta talk to ya!

Hades_{back into the phone}_...What do you _mean_ you can't figure out the order? What part of _"Shipment of Dung"_ don't you f**^%$#**_understand? _**!

Panic...HADES! it's a _real_ emergency! it has to do with the show!

Hades_{hanging up the phone in rage_}._..THIS better Be Good!...OK..._**what the ^%$*&^%$# is _Wrong?_**

Pain...Well, something incredibly... bad and _disgusting _has happened...

Hades._...What_...Ceberous take a dump in the orchestra pit _again?_

Pain...No no...just a little...uh..._slightly _worse...it seems...uh...it seems ...we mixed up our guests in the waiting rooms..._._

Hades...**_What!_**

Panic_{twisting his tail}_...Well...it was kinda_ chaotic_ this morning... and..and everyone arrived at once and the harpies got loose...

Hades_...**SPILL it!**_

Pain...Well... remember... you'd booked the **Spartan Army Men's Choir **and **King Midas** for this _afternoon_ and **Orthos** and the** Gorgon** for _tonight?_

Hades**...Keep going...**

Pain...Well...uhhhh... it seems there was a _TEENSY_ waiting room mixup ...and we put... _Orthos_ in with the... Spartan Army Men's Choir...

Panic...the _**...uh..."EX"-**_ Spartan...Army...Men's... Choir...

Hades...Whooa!_ hold_ on...Let me get this straight...you geniouses... put a carnivorous _...Maneating_ minion in with two hundred _Bite-Sized Mortals?_

Panic...Yes, er...and ...well...King Midas kinda bumped into the Gorgon in Room II...

Hades...And _Let me guess_...King Midas is now a _rock solid citizen_ while Medusa has a heart of _24 carat gold ...to match the rest of Her?_

Pain_{cringing in terror}_...Yes sir...but...but... on the _plus_ side...you won't have to feed Orthos for 2_ years!_

Hades...AAARRRHHHGHH! _**This is worse than the time you locked the Vestal Virgins from Rome up with Dionysious on his 300 Year Birthday Bash Special !**_ Oy... did _that_ cost me!

Panic_{groveling in the slime}_...Sir... we're sooooooo _sorry!_

Hades...OH, you have'nt _begun _to be sorry...YET...but... I can't maim you _now-_- I need whatever crummy help I can get no matter how LOUSY...Just .._consider yourself threatened_...hmmmmmm... we'll just have to run a pre-taped show...that's all...What do we have that has'nt been seen yet?

Panic ...Hold on, Sir, I'll check my list ... OK...we have _**Ultimate Hot Babes of The Ancient World**_...that's the one with Messalina grape wrestling Circe in the wine vat...and then you got the Three Graces to go topless...

Hades...Oh yeah ...I remember...that was good...hold that one for Sweeps Week...

Pain ...um ...there's the **_Stupid Pet Tricks..._**

Hades ...Oh _that's _when Cerberous took the dump in the orchestra pit...did we ever get anyone to clean that up? When's Adam Sandler coming down?

Panic...Oh here, Sir, I think I've got just the thing..._**Women Who Boast and the Goddessess Who Hate Them**..._ Guest Stars Athena and Arachne, Leto and Niobe, Aphrodite and Psyche...

Hades...OK...lemme think...ok here's what ya do...run the spider broad tape...and then go clean up waiting room number I...it's a _Mess_ in there...I'm gonna be in my office- thanks to _you_ morons we're gonna have 200 semi-digested Spartans coming in the next twenty minutes...Oy! that's a_ lot _of paper work...

_**Pain and Panic hurry off to run the tape...and here it is!**_

_Badda Bing Badda Boom!_

_**And Welcome ...to the Hades Show!**_ Tonight's guest was a _gorgeous _mortal with a big talent, a _bigger_ ego and a mouth to match. She has the_ serious_ distinction of having ticked off one of the _touchiest_ goddesses in the Cosmos so now she _and_ her descendents must spend Eternity as one of the_ lowliest _creatures on Earth... {and I _don't_ mean a Speedy Pita service worker}...We're just _thrilled _that she's here with us today to share_ her_ side of the story ...so please won't you give a warm, fuzzy, **_8 legged _**welcome to the gal who coined the words _"Looming Disaster"..._.that _Sassy_ little spinmeister... our _Favorite _web designer ...and the **_Original _**...**.Itsy-Bitsy-Spider **_Herself.._...**A-_RACHNE!_**

**APPLAUSE!**

**_Pain walks in with a tiny pillow on which sits a very self satisfied spider...he places it on Hade's desk.._**

Hades_...Welcome,_ Babe...how about a kiss?..._{smooocch!}_ whoah! you call _that_ a kiss?

Arachne_{grinning}_...well... we _could _mate...but then I'd have to_ kill _you!

Hades...HA!.Badda_ bing!_ that gets _funnier_ every time I hear it!Sit down, sit down...pull yerself up a tuffet...Can I offer you a fly?

Arachne...Oh, don't mind if I do... mmmmmm...{slurp}... _juicy!_

Hades... So how have you been, Babe? How's it _hanging?_ {If you'll pardon the pun!}

Arachne...Oh good, good...as you know, I've gotten into freelance webdesign...I have a part time gig guarding the Tapestry of Fate...and every 2 weeks I lay a million eggs. I keep busy.

Hades..._ Beautiful_, Babe...beautiful...Ok, well...enough with the chit-chat...I think what we're _**all**_ waiting for here is to get to the bottom of your **_fascinating _**little story...and of course I think you know there's someone _special _waiting backstage we'd like you to meet...you know Pallas Athena?

Arachne{blanching}...We've met...

Hades...All_ right _then!..let's not waste any time!..Ladies, Gentlemen {and... ...whatever else is... out there}_ ..._**_Straight_** from the Parthanon situated atop the Acropolis in _Beautiful_ Downtown Athens...I give you that **_scintillating_** Goddess of Wisdom **_and _**War...**A-_THENA!_**

More Applause!The goddess Athena parts the curtains and strides into the studio.

**Hades... Athena, _BABE!_... _LOVE _the owl...Yer lookin'_completely-_**

**Athena... DON'T TOUCH ME.**

Hades...OK, ok, ok...gotcha...

**Athena...**and hands off my Strigiform pet!

Hades..._Beg _your pardon?

Athena ... The _Owl!D_on't touch my owl, you _Moron!_

Hades... Ah! _okay_, right...Right, ok, ok_, _hands off the owl_...anyway_... back to business guys... had a...certain wager, am I right?

Arachne...Yes.

Hades...Athena, Babe..._ let's_ get down to bronze tacks. You turned her into a _spider_... .Ya think you went a little overboard ? _Why?_

Athena..._She_ said she could weave tapestries better than _I _could.

Hades...Oh well, she was _asking _for it...

Athena...Oh don't be _cute,_ Hades! You know as well as_ I_ do all mortals need a _slap_ on the wrist once in awhile!

Arachne_{looking down at herself}_...You call**_ this _**a slap on the wrist?

Hades..Hold on-_hold_ on...just back up the chariot a moment...let's make sure our studio audience is on the same page.._._...OK ...Spider Girl here boasted that she was the _best_ weaver in all of Greece- in all the known ancient world- better than _you _even...is that right?

Arachne...it was true!It was **_true!_**

Athena...This _deluded _mortal told everyone she met that she could outweave me herself!Even after her own _family _told her to stop bragging she kept up at it ... I even turned myself into an old beggar woman to warn her that idle boasting would be her undoing!

Hades.. Oh _yeah_...the old**_ turning -into- a -beggar -woman- to- warn- the- mortal-bit._**...ya know...that almost _never_ works?

Arachne_{to Athena}_That was _You?_ ...uh oh...

Athena...and she **_Still_** went about flaunting her skills and so-called talent- as if *I* had **_Nothing _**to do with it! So we had the contest to put her in her place!And not _only_ did she have the unmitigated _cojones _to take me on... she had the _bloody_ gall to create a tapestry depicting the gods of Olympus as a bunch of drunken, debauched, perverted ambrosia-crazed evil murdering troublemakers...

Hades...uh huh...yer point _being?_

Athena...well LOOK at it for yourself! I have it right here with me today to show you!It's **_Insulting!_**

Hades..ooohhh!... _Visual Aids! _OK, ok...let Unca Hades take a peek- this is it? All right ...let's see...How insulting can it be...?

Athena unravels the offending masterpiece and hands it to Hades...

Hades...Hmmm... ok...yeah...this_ is_ pretty insulting...ok...uh huh...I see what you mean..._whoaaa_ there's_** lots**_ of attention to detail here... some _very_ zippy scenery ...everyone's...drunk...yeah..**_ that's_** S.O.P...Baccus is blowing chunks...Zeus is here with Hera...oh... _and _Leda..._And _Callista..._and_ Io...oh and _Ganymede's_ in on the fun...{Hey...Why was'nt _*I*_ invited?} ...Hmmm... what's that sticking out of Ares? oh...ok...it's **_Hermes_**...Aphrodite's lookin' good...hey you included her mole! hmmm...I did'nt know she could bend that far backwards...{nimble li'l minx!}...the midgets are a nice touch..._.Hey! _who is Apollo spanking? Do I know her?

Athena_{to Arachne}_**You are _Disgusting!_**

Arachne ...I'm an _Artiste!_! I weave what I_ know!_

Athena... Then **_KNOW_** this!You're a vain, idiotic, boastful, _**foolish**_ child and you're paying dearly for your insult to our family! And will continue to do so for All**_ Eternity _**...Is'nt that RIGHT, Hades?...Hades? _**Hades?**_

Hades ...Huh? I'm still looking at the tapestry...

Athena... Will you put that thing **_Down!_**

Arachne... OK...ok ...I went over the line there... let's chalk it up to a bad hair day- but I **_Hanged _**myself in apology... does that, like, count for_** Anything?**_

Athena**_..._**Of course it does, you **_Twit_**! That's why I went _easy_ on you!

Hades... Yer all heart, Babe!**!**

Arachne...She calls _this_ going easy?

Athena...I certainly _do!_! I was _going_ to turn you into a centipede...but a _spider_ was more fitting...that way you can spend forever practicing to get as _good_ as I!

Aracne...I'm _already _every bit as good as _you_!I'm an artistic _genious... _

Hades_{leaning his chin in his hand}_...Babe...yer a **_Spider..._**

Arachne...Hey! I don't _care!_ I can _still _outweave her with 7 legs tied behind my back!

Hades ...wow... you don't know when yer _licked,_ do you?

Arachne...You don't believe I can _whup_ her again?

Athena_{laughing contemptuosly}_...You've _got_ to be _kidding_ me.._...one_ more word and I'll kick your hairy little spider butt all the way the back to Lydia!

Arachne_{pulling herself up to a full three inches}_ You wanna**_ piece_** of me?

Athena...You ...Would'nt... **_Dare!_**

Arachne...Just _**...TRY**_ ME!

Athena...oh **_yeah_** ? you want to put your money where your mouth is? **_Wherever _**that is?

Arachne..._..Any_ time, God -Girl... _anytime_!

Athena...why... you ...obnoxious little _bloodsucker!_

Arachne...you... virginal _geek!_

Athena...insignificant _invertebrate!_

Arachne...sore_ LOSER!_

_Athena...VERMIN!_

_Aracne..._FOUR _EYES!_

_Athena..."EIGHT" EYES! _

Hades...Badda_bing!_ it's gettin' _GOOD!..._Whoa hey- why don't you have a rematch ?..._right_ here on the show?

Athena... You _got_ it!

Hades... but, uh... first I think we need to level the playing field...maybe you should turn her back human just for the _nonce..._

Athena...hhmmph...!oh... all right...just this _one nonce..._

Athena carelessly blasts a large orb of flame at the little spider...and **_POOFF! _**

**_Hades does a doubletake..._**

Hades...AAAYYYYYY Chi-_Wuaua! _now _that's_ what I call one... _**Merry... Black... Widow!...OH BABY! Step into my PARLOUR!**_...You can exterminate _ME_ anytime!...my _Spidey_ Senses are TINGLING!

Arachne {purring}... why _Thank_you Hades...you're so _sweet..._

Athena...oh for GOOD Zeuse's Sake!..._Control _yourself Hades...can we get back down to _business_ here?.

Hades... Keep your _helmet_ on, Athena...I'm just getting to know Spider Girl...my _**li'l **_Spidergirl...my **_Friendly Neighborhood_ **Spidergirl!...{**_Turning to Arachne_**}...So Babe, how are you at weaving webs of deceit?

Athena ...oh..._please_... like she's never heard _**That**_ one before!can we JUST get back to the contest ?

Hades ...What contest?

Athena... _**Hades!**_

**Hades...**why don't you go feed your owl? He looks hungry.

**Athena...The_ Contest?_** for deciding who's the best weaver in Greece?

Hades...Oh... Oh... the rug thing, yeah... well.. tell ya what, '_Theney..._

**_Hades poofs a huge solid gold trophy out of the air and tosses it to the indignant goddess._**

Hades...Here Ya go!First Prize-You -Win-Congratulations-Best -In -Show-O Happy Day- Goody-Goody-for-You-Top-of-the World-Call-Yer-Mom-Yada-Yada-Yada- See -Y'around!_End _of Story!

Athena...We did'nt even _Weave_ anything yet!

Arachne..._Yeah!_

Hades... well, true...true...I know -but I was thinkin' I'll take yer word for it! You ARE the Goddess of Wisdom, n'est pas?_**{ turns to Arachne }**_ _NICE_ spinnerets!

Athena... Huh... what?...OK, you dont have to be the Goddess of Wisdom to know where _this_ is going!.._Honestly..._Hades... you're _twice_ as bad as Priapus with _half _the equipment! that's_ it...I'm leaving _...you two deserve each _Other!_

_The Goddesss Poofs out in a huff!_

Hades... Good _riddance!_ now maybe we can divert our attention to more _important _matters...

Arachne**_...Waitta_** minute!You just handed her _First Place! _where does that leave _me? _

Hades...Winner of the _Consolation Prize_, Babe...and _I'm_ the Consolation...it's_ **"Web Slinging**_" time, you lucky bug!...

Arachne... OHHH!... you _...big ...Conceited ...**JERK!**_

Hades...Tell me ...Is it true your people have red hour glassess tattooed on yer butts? heh heh...Care to _show _me that in _private?_

Arachne...Oh my gods! that's _IT!_ I'm _SO_ OUTTA HERE!

_**Arachne explodes in a huge insulted furious blast and disappears...**_


End file.
